Harmony of the Spheres

Keyser Söze would never admit to being a sentimental type, cheap much less a wuss, case but Keyser Söze does have to confess that sometimes Keyser Söze’s eyes are made to water by music (though anyone repeating this would be subject to being “terminated with extreme prejudice”). And it has to be said that the most beautiful melody conceived of by the mind of man comes from the last movement of Brahm’s First Symphony. Naturally, sickness being a true child of his fin-de-siècle times, Brahms had to go and ruin the vibe by sticking in a bunch of pointless rambling all around it (sort of like Mahler on sedatives). Nonetheless, if the Lord God hummed to Himself, this is what it would sound like.

Keyser’s Views on Democratic Primary

Keyser has to admit that Keyser has started late in the political commentary game, sovaldi in that it appears that the Republicans have already made up their minds by getting ready to nominate a Democrat (should there not be some sort of regulation against that – very confusing to Keyser Söze), the Democrats themselves have not to nominate a Republican (surely under the circumstances that would only be fair) but have instead gotten ready to throw over desperate lack of experience in favor of hopeful lack of experience. Keyser is entirely in favor of this choice given the two options available. While hopeful idiots do stupid things at leisure and sometimes turn out to be too hopeful ever to get anything actually done (which is definitely choice number one when it comes to Democrats), desperate idiots often turn their normally faulty powers of judgment in an opportunity for truly colossal stupidities. Now with regular people, this sort of thing can be a source of merriment for the whole family, but when we’re talking about the only “hyperpower” on earth, putting people like that in charge would be not such a good idea. Accordingly, Keyser Söze has a suggestion to make. Keyser thinks that the Democrats would be well served by bringing in a third candidate – someone with some street cred of experience. And the experience that Keyser Söze has in mind relates to a candidate who has both the rhetorical powers that are so evident in Barracks O’Barma. (As an aside, Keyser would like to interject that he is gladdened about the way in which America has matured in the years since John FitzGerald O’Kennedy ran for office. Back in the day, some people wondered whether a Catholic would not owe loyalty to a foreign potentate, namely the Bishop of Rome. It is heartening to see that in this day and age a man of Irish ancestry can run for the highest office without anyone noticing his religious background. In Keyser Söze’s America, there are no hyphenated Americans. Though Keyser does have to register with some surprise the fact that no one in the “main stream medium” has remarked upon the rather militaristic sound of Mr. O’Barma’s first name. Surely, that is the sort of name appropriate for a Republican rather than a Democrat? But, as so often, Keyser Söze digresses and must return to the topic at hand.) In addition, the real choice for the Democrats is someone who has the sorts of practical experience so notably lacking in the two choices on offer. So who does Keyser suggest? In fact, there are two choices. First, the “little giant” Stephen A. Douglas. At a time when the country was very close to coming apart, as seems to be the case in these very divisive times, Stephen A. Douglas stood for keep the nation together at any cost by sweeping problems under the rug. Bad housekeeping perhaps, but good politics. Also, he had lots of experience in the Senate, where people spend of lot of time being buddies and spend other people’s money (for some hint of this guy’s experience, please to click here. Just like the other two choices, but more of it – he did not just sit around in the senate looking pretty and do nothing, like a lot of Democratic presidential hopefuls from the senate (not that we’re naming any name, (*cough, cough*) Alfred Gore and John O’Kerry and Barracks O’Barma and Hillary Rodman Clinton (uncough)). If Stephen A. Douglas is not one’s cup of tea, the other choice is William Jennings Bryan. He was in favor of not crucifying mankind on a cross of gold. Who could be against that? He didn’t want to press upon the brow of labor a crown of thorns. Keyser Söze would admit to have endured many events of pain in suffering in his mysterious and enigmatic life, and Keyser Söze has to confess that few have surpassed the unpleasantness of having a crown of thorns pressed upon the brow. So here too, William Jennings Bryan wins the Söze vote. Keyser Söze also gathers that this noble sentiments were expressed in connection with opposition to the gold standard in monetary policy in favor of populist lunacy that came close to wrecking the treasury by adhering to a policy premised on the notion that you could create wealth by legal fiat via unrestricted coinage of silver, a policy that anyone with the least knowledge of how the economic system actually functions would instantly repudiate as absurd. So here again, William Jennings Bryan is clearly a man after the Democratic heart. Also, as Secretary of State to fellow Democrat, professional hypocrite and general trouble maker in the international scene Woodrow Wilson (and surely that is a name appropriate for an actor in “adult” films, is it not, queries Keyser Söze), William Jennings Bryan actually tried to curb the excesses of his warmongering-in-the-name-of-peace boss. Since the present situation in Iraq a) was caused by a quasi-Republican operating by Wilsonian principles, and b) Democrats hate the US involvement in Iraq, then it syllogistically follows that Democrats should be in favor of William Jennings Bryan.

So, there is the sage advice of Keyser Söze. The fate of the nation now rests in the hands of Ohio and Texas. As Ohio and Texas goes, so goes the nation, to quote the old adage.

UPDATE: Since writing this ill-intentioned advice for the Dummercrats, Keyser Söze has learned that the venerable publication the Economist has claimed in an editorial that Mr. Barracks O’Barma is “channelling” the spirit of the esteemed William “I ain’t no monkey” Jennings “goddammit you Darwinist bastard” Bryan. Rest assured, dear reader, that Keyser Söze’s advice was proferred in complete ignorance of the exposition of the British journal. Turns out that Keyser Söze, in addition to his numerous other gifts, is omniscient too. Who knew? (Well, Keyser Söze did ex hypothesi, but apart from him who?)

Just Say No!

Keyser Söze implores you in the name of all that is holy not to click the link. Just say no. Don’t do it! Keyser Söze begs you not to commit this unspeakable sin! You can’t say that you weren’t warned. The pure evil that lurks in the minds of some people beggars the imagination. Keyser admits to having been the witness, nurse nay the author, of some truly heinous misdeeds, but, but… Let this be a lesson to you all.

Best. Website. Ever.

Now why didn’t Keyser Söze think of this? Because while it is the case that our well-nigh preternatural genius does at times astound the World, buy we can’t think of everything.

God Loves the Georgians

The ones in the Caucasus, shop that is. Here’s the traditional story:

Back when God created mankind, cialis He began to distribute the world among the various peoples. They were all supposed to get in a queue, tadalafil but when some people called over to the Georgians and told them to get in line, they were enjoying themselves with fun and games, so they answered that there was time enough to get in line after they’d finished the festivities. Well, God goes on with the distribution, and the line gets shorter and shorter, while the Georgians are offing having fun. Eventually, they join the end of the line, and when they finally appear before God, He says that He’s sorry, but every place has already been handed out, even the crappiest ones. The Georgians take the bad news in good grace, and thank Him anyway. God is so touched by their happy spirit that He says, “Okay, here’s what I’ll do. I’ve set aside the nicest place on earth as my own garden, but since you people are so charming and pleasant, I’ll give it to you.” And that’s how the Georgians wound up with their delightful corner of the world.

Now anyone who knows much about Georgian history knows that for centuries the Georgians have been screwed royally by Persians, Turks and Russians. Yet this is how they view themselves. What’s not to like?

Stalin must have been a Laz.

Let the Madness Begin!

So, site Keyser Söze wants to start his blog, store and thinks to Keyser Söze’s self, clinic “So, Keyser Söze, how exactly are we going to disseminate our witty, clever and otherwise enlightening (if occasionally poorly proofread–everyone’s got failings, and that’s ours) musings, ruminations and ratiocinations on various topics that strike our fancy to the world?” And Keyser Söze replies to himself, “Well, I see that a lot of those witty, clever and occasionally annoying sorts whose blogs I read often have that blobby thing that looks like an ‘e’ but turns out to be a malformed ‘b’ inside an orange box in front of the bookmark, so maybe I’ll try ‘blogger’.” Well, turns out that that’s some sort of Google operation, but Keyser Söze thinks to himself, “Hmm, well, if those sorts can manage it, then surely so can Keyser Söze.” So Keyser Söze tries out the registration process, and while it seems easy enough to do so, the URL “www.keysersoze.blogspot.com” is already taken by some cretin who made one posting in 2000, and zilch since. WTF? Perhaps, all evidence to the contrary notwithstanding, there really is a God after all, and He is just as malevolent as all His detractors have made out. Well, that’s as may be. What we do know is that we curse to eternal perdition Mitch or whatever the name of the wretched person who took our URL is for all his indolence. Oh, well, the full URL for our “lair” is okay too, no?

In the interest of full disclosure, Keyser Söze feels compelled to report that Keyser Söze’s wife is not at all sure that Keyser Söze having a blog of Keyser Söze’s own is really such a good idea. In fact, Keyser Söze has gone ahead and set this up without informing said wife at all. But nonetheless, Keyser Söze has every intention of being a good Keyser Söze and not engaging in the sorts of things that make Keyser Söze’s wife say things like, “Oh, Keyser Söze, will you never learn?” Truth be told, Keyser Söze does learn–but that only makes him wickeder! All the same, Keyser Söze will endeavor to avoid letting the Keyser Söze cat out of the Keyser Söze bag. Keyser Söze is everywhere, and nowhere. Or perhaps that’s “is nowhere, yet everywhere.” Who can say for sure? From a hermeneutical point of view, that’s where the proverbial madness starts. So let the games begin!