Keyser’s *Only* Source of News

Do you ever feel that what with the interwebz and all, online there’s just too much news out there? “Oh, advice should I read the New York Times (fuck them and their sign in) or the Times on Line or Bloomberg or the Times-Picayune or what?” Who has time to go through all that, when a lot of it is just repetitive anyway? Well, no need to thank your friend Keyser (too much), but he has solved your problems!

All you have to do is read this. It says it’s “the world’s only reliable news,” so how can you go wrong?

Just a another piece of helpful advice to our readers–because here at Keyser management, customer satisfaction is Job 1!.

Keyser is Bored

Someone needs to start a (minor) war or something. Seems there’s not much of interest going on out there…

False Prophets

It has recently been brought to Keyser’s attention that there is someone out there blogging under the name Keyser Soze. Well, cheap Keyser has no idea who this person is, levitra but what credence can be placed in someone who cannot spell his own name correctly?

Remember Matthew 7:15-16. Óvakodik ból hamis jós! ‘Nuff said.

Customer Satisfaction is Keyser’s Goal No. 1

Dearest readers, cialis as Keyser is sure you could already have guessed from your many visits to the Lair, customer satisfaction is our management’s top priority, the goal being to provide all our customers with a quality experience here that full justifies the expense they made on the visit. And we’re sure that considering what you’ve paid for it, you’ve gotten more than your money’s worth. But here at the Lair, we aim for more than simply meeting goals. We wish to surpass all our quantifiable output indicators, and to raise the bar of our expectations, so that excellence is just the standard for average, and stupendidness the mark of a good day.

Accordingly, we have taken a summary of both quantity and quality over the last month. Lair management has also taken the liberty of inserting onto the computers of all our visitors special software that will monitor all your activities to allow us to modulate postings to make sure that they meet the needs of you, our valued customers. (As an aside, Keyser might note that some of you are really sick puppies, but you may rest secure in the knowledge that Lair management collects this information purely for internal purposes, and no reports to the authorities about visits to kiddie porn or caprophilia sites are envisioned at the present time.) This information is then fed for analysis into a patent-pending “technology excellence” program that makes it possible to scientifically assess both customer needs and customer satisfaction, along the following lines:

Not only was September our most prolific month (140 postings or an average of 4.666666666667 posts with an entertainment/information value at least commensurate with our service’s cost), but our special algorithmic “infotation index” shows a result 52.3 out of 55, the highest result so far.

(That’s you in the center, you golden star!)

But please, no accolades. The Lair management simply takes pride in a job well done. Your pleasure is our pleasure (phrase borrowed from Keyser’s “good friend” Amber), and we won’t take second place in making you a happy visitor to Keyse’s Lair. It’s all in a day’s work for caring and committed management!

Here Comes the Gravy Train!

“Among those with advertising, the mean annual investment in their blog is $1,800, but it’s paying off. The mean annual revenue is $6,000 with $75K+ in revenue for those with 100,000 or more unique visitors per month.”

Holy shit! There Keyser was thinking this blog thing was just a self-indulgent waste of time. All he needs is some stupid ads and about 100,000 more visitors, and the money will just come pouring in!

Now won’t Mrs. S. be sorry about all those snarky comments of hers? …Nah, Keyser didn’t think so, either.

Is There No Such Thing as Privacy Anymore?!

Keyser was just milling around in the data at Stat Counter (highly recommended to anyone who has a blog), ailment and not only does it tell you the IP address of the computers that have accessed your stuff from each country, mind but the browser and the computer they used it on. Seems that guy from Saudi Arabia was using Safari on a Mac!

Oh, help and if anyone cares, Keyser’s percentage of American hits has dropped a bit, and he’s picked up viewers from Britain, France, Switzerland, Spain, Turkey and Jamaica. Welcome all!

But Keyser still wants to know what happened to the Mingrelians….

Post scriptum. When Mrs. S. looked at the image here, she said, “What’s that?” So maybe it isn’t self-evident that it’s the Apple Store in Riyadh (on Tahliah Street near “Game Master”, if anyone cares to visit it).

StatCounter Humor

Keyser was just milling around in the StatCounter statistics for the Lair, patient and he sees that someone wound up here through googling “old movie: penis in a jar”. Seems whoever it was was desperate to find something, rx as Keyser’s post about Rasputin was the seventh item among the search results. What could s/he have been looking for?

The Interwebz is Full of Crap

In the effort to entertain and/or enlighten his loyal band of followers, check Keyser has spent wasted a fair amount of time going from one useless link to another in the vain search for quality content. Keyser is saddened to report that while he can perform the yeoman duty of keeping you from having to go to the trouble of finding out for yourselves, recipe he is reduced to reporting that there is a vast quantity of cyber garbage out there. However, view for those of you who don’t know how to have car sex and want to forestall any possibility of embarrassment during a future “hot date”, Keyser did find “just the site” for you. Go figure.

Hey, Where are the Mingrelians?

Perceptive readers here at the Lair may have noticed the appearance a few days ago of the “Stat Counter” logo to the left. Well, no rx a correspondent of Keyser had reported to him the peculiar fact that “Keyser Soze Democrats comes in #3 out of more than 17, purchase 000″ in a google search. Very gratifying no doubt, though one has to wonder how many googlers previously unaware of Keyser’s existence (the fools!) were likely to search for those three words.

Anyhoo, this news made Keyser curious about the actual extent of his readership, particularly in light of the large amount of scurrilous (if not outright defamatory) email that he receives from Svans and Laz (not to mention all those dyspeptic Mingrelians). So, after fiddling around on the Intrawebz with his usual combination of genius and naiveté, Keyser decided to make use of the facilities nicely provided by the Irish lads at Stat Counter.

At first, Keyser just checked out the gross numbers, but in a lull in this afternoon’s business activities, Keyser decided to check out a few of the other statistics available. We’ll start off “lite” and move on later to more detailed analyses of the “traffic” (cool, sort of sounds like some sort of Bletchley Park cryptographical stuff, no?), so for the moment we’ll stick to national statistics.

Whereas Keyser was expecting a huge number of his “hits” to come from the Caucasus, it turns out that those folks must have odd reading habits and haven’t visited in the four days since the counter was installed. In fact, Keyser’s readership breaks down as follows:

USA: 66.6%
Germany: 17.7%
Canada: 15.6%
Saudi Arabia: 1%

WTF? Keyser guesses that the American traffic is generated by the political stuff about Sarah Palin. The German hits presumably come from the death threats against that guy who wrote the song about the pope. Not sure about the Canadians. Guess they just have good taste (or perhaps they googled “Keyser Soze Canada” and got this). Finally, who’s that guy from Saudi Arabia? Did he google “Keyser Soze Sheikh Salih Ibn al-Luhaydan” and get this? Or perhaps he wanted more information about how Mickey Mouse Must Die? Whatever he was up to, Keyser presumes he was not a happy customer. Sorry, dude!

But Keyser does want to know where all his Abkhaz traffic has gone. Really, are you guys still so pissed about all the postings about Georgia? Can’t we kiss and make up? Remember, even Keyser has a heart (somewhere)–come back, my Caucasian friends!