You ever follow a link on the interwebz and start idly reading something without exactly knowing what it is, and then at some point in the midst of it, you realize that it’s not at all what you’d been thinking it was about? Well, this happened to Keyser today. We’re talking a heavy dose of cognitive dissonance.
The piece starts off with some guy talking about how touch-feely he is. He grew up in the SF area, went to a college named after a woman, all sorts of feminized stuff. So, the guy’s a metrosexual sort. Then it gets worse:
So why is it that, after decades of sympathizing with women, I feel like I’m just starting to empathize? It’s pretty simple. I got fucked. In a good way.
Hmm. That’s an odd way to characterize it. But okay, I can accept that.
As a lover, I pride myself on being a nice guy, a boy scout in an army of mere boyfriends. Just look at my badges! Monogamy sits proudly at the top of my sash, and under that are Communication, Promise Keeping, and Spontaneous Flowers.
So what’s this Girl Scout of a Man going to tell us about the relations of men and women? As it turns out, a lot more than Keyser wanted to learn…
Like all good scouts, my passion for good citizenship is rivaled only by my thirst for exploration. So I found myself proposing to my (amazing) girlfriend of two (amazing) years that we try a little butt sex. The way I explained it, it was just another way to appreciate her and build trust. (Which is true, it just looks really creepy on paper.) She was hesitant, so I doubled down and put my own ass on the line. If she could take it, so could I.
Okay, at this point, Keyser’s getting seriously confused. It sounds like the guy’s asking for anal, which Keyser can understand. The girlfriend’s hesitant, after all. But what’s with this “so could I” bit?
At this point, I should interject that whereas I’m good at analyzing the plot of movies and the like afterwards, I seldom think ahead while viewing/reading. At the end, after it turns out that Colonel Mustard did the dirty deed, the present or previous Mrs. Söze would frequently say, “Didn’t you see that coming? I knew from the moment that [insert telling scene].” I always reply, “No, I don’t think ahead. I just let the plot flow and don’t second-guess it.” Well, in the present situation, there should have been loud alarm bells screaming, “This is not what you think!” But no. In Keyser’s skull, no such warnings were going off, despite the fact that something was clearly not right in the narrative. Considering the set up here, you, dear reader, are perhaps saying to yourself, “Good God, how can he not see this train wreck coming (as it were)?” but believe me, without me giving suggestive comments, it wasn’t so easy not to go with my preconceptions, particularly since the reality was so befouled with the appalling stench of the emasculation of the effeminized modern American male as to be (literally) inconceivable to an implacably traditional-minded Pannonian such as your humble correspondent.
So, let’s take this cautionary tale to its denouement of well-nigh preternatural and ineffable horror (as H.P. Lovecraft might characterize it).
After a romantic evening of Futurama, Wine, and a True Grit bootleg, she deflowered me. And I’ll never be the same again. I’m not going to get into any gory details, that’s what Twitter is for.
Wait, what? Something’s not computing here. He’s asking to bugger his girlfriend, but he’s speaking as if… Say, what’s the title of this thing anyway? Oh, it’s called “How I learned to get pegged and liked it.” What exactly does he mean by “pegged”?
Now, if you’re familiar with this term, there’s probably a lot of forehead slapping going on out there. If, on the other hand, you’re a red-blooded Pannonian, you’re probably beginning to type “definition pegged urban dictionary” into your little Google search window at the top of your browser. Which then makes the ineffable horror a bit more effable:
A term coined by sex advice columnist Dan Savage that refers to an act of love making that involves a woman with a strap-on dildo anally penetrating her male partner.
Oh, in the name of God! In case this isn’t vivid enough for you, the urban dictionary provides little made-up sentences to illustrate the usage, in this instance:
Jennifer pegged the shit out of John last night; I bet he won’t be able to sit down for a week.
Well, the author’s name is Max, and his “indulgent” GF is anonymous, but if we substitute the appropriate names, what we’ve just read about Max’s request takes on a whole different nuance.
So, how did Max “receive” this “experience”? Well, let’s just say that he has a new appreciation of being a woman now that he apparently feels that he’s become one:
After it happened, I felt the same exciting relief I imagine a girl feels after losing her virginity on prom night. I never realized the incredible amount of bravery it takes to let someone inside you. It’s asking someone to stab you in the back, but lovingly. Masculine courage is throwing yourself headfirst into danger, like jumping out of a plane, but feminine courage is letting danger throw itself headfirst into YOU. It’s even more badass. I look at women like soldiers now, and older women as grizzled retired Generals that I wholeheartedly salute.
I also never realized how instantly bonding sex can be on the receiving end. I already felt close to her before we began our little experiment, but now I feel like she’s tattooed under my skin. Even though she was staying the night, I almost begged her to call me the next day.
Now, this “guy” claims to be a comedian, so perhaps the relevant emotions are being portrayed in a way that’s meant to humorous, but… really, dude. You get your GF to ram a piece of plastic up your ass and now you’re ready to have her name tattooed on your putz?
You know, apart from the overall situation and the way it’s portrayed, there’s fundamentally bizarre about the writer’s attitude at (in?) the end. First, as a result of being the passive recipient of sexual penetration, he chooses to portray females in very “male” terms: courage, soldiers. And he now claims to have traditionally “female” emotions as result: he’s bonded to her in way that didn’t take place after he’d boffed her “the old fashioned way” (granted, this isn’t explicitly stated, but that seems to be suggested by the earlier passages). He now feels like a teenage girl who has “given it up” on prom night, and has a typically female reaction (wants her to call the next day). Seems it’s not without reason that he conceives of himself as a Girl Scout.
I realize that it’s all “different strokes for different folks,” and there’s no knowing what shadows lurk within the libido of man. Yet… there’s something fundamentally disturbing (or so it seems to Keyser) about the way it’s presented here. It’s not just that this guy is into, say, nipple piercings and ball gags. No, it’s how it’s portrayed along the lines that he’s a “nice guy” heterosexual male, but wants to “bind” with his girlfriend by having her adopt the traditional male role and by him adopting the “female end” of the equation (to the extent that anatomy makes this possible) and reacting towards her the way a teenage girl would putatively do so.
Truly, I sometimes think we’re doomed with the attitudes that are being inculcated these days. Cynically, I sometimes feel that while it will all end in tears, I’ll probably be dead by then, so what’s the point in objecting? And if this article is any indication of where we’re heading, that’s probably just as well.
Posted March 24, 2011 by Keyser Söze under Bad Idea of the Day, Bad Sex, Love, Lovecraft, Lunacy, Manliness, Nostalgia, Personal Relationships, Sex, Sex Through the Ages, Sign of the Times, Sodomy, Some People Are Nuts, The Horror, Theater of the Absurd