You Just Can’t Get Good Help Any More: Medieval Edition

Keyser’s reminiscences about his recent daemonological interviews puts him in mind of a bit of magical folklore that always makes him laugh. Here’s an excerpt of testimony from a deposition given against a witch in the fifteenth century:

…tempore quo ipse erat in eius famulatu repetitis vicibus misit eum ad cloacas judeorum in Yßbruck vt de stercoribus judeorum sibi apportaret, quod et interdum fecit, interdum obmisit, de alijs sibi apportando.

For the Latinly challenged, that’s, “at the time when he was in her service, she repeatedly sent him to the Jews’ sewers in Innsbruck to bring her Jew turds, which he sometimes did and sometimes neglected, bring her other ones.”

So, to make sure everyone’s clear on the concept, this guy claims to have been a servant of some woman, and he’s finking on her for sending him to fetch Jew turds. Those without Keyser’s background in magical practices might not know a) that the Jews were considered to be practitioners of magic/witchcraft in the middle ages and b) sometimes you put some wacky shit into your magical formulas – literally!

So, this poor witch is making her recipe with all the right ingredients, and somehow things just aren’t working out. “Lucifer, I can’t understand it. This usually works like a charm, but this time – nothing. Did I leave something out?”

No, you didn’t, dearie. It’s your asshole servant. Those aren’t USDA Grade #1 Jew turds you put it. Just plain old shit!