“So what if an eighty-two year old overweight lesbian likes to suck my boobs?”: Glamour Model Edition

Sophie.Howard

Keyser will spare you the details of how he wound up there, cialis sale but something Keyser saw made him google the name “Sophie Howard.” Well, viagra as always, the link to Wikipedia (the fount of all that is true and beautiful) did not fail to come through – and then some. Keyser’s never heard of this Sophie Howard, but apparently she’s a big deal in what the Brits refer to as “lad mags”:

She appears regularly on Page Three and in lads mags like Maxim, Zoo Weekly,Nuts (magazine) and Loaded. She is noted for her large, natural breasts and has often been photographed with other big-bust models like Lucy Pinder and Michelle Marsh. In August 2005 Howard was voted number 1 in Loaded magazine’s “Most Beautiful Breasts” poll, and in the same year she was voted 73rd in the UK ‘FHM’ 100 Sexiest Women poll. In the 2006 poll she rose to 68th place. Howard has featured on the cover of Loaded more than any other model, appearing five times – beating Jordan by one cover.

Okay, fair enough. (That’s her up there, of course. Anyone interested in judging the “naturality” of those ample breasts will have to go here. This is a family blog after all.) But Keyser then proceeded to the biography section, where things soon became surreal. First we get this introduction to the life and times of Sophie Howard:

Sophie Howard was born and raised in Southport, England. She attended Christ the King Catholic High school, and was in the Salvation Army until she was 16. At 17, she became a stripper, a “rubbish” one; “I’d go on the stage, dance around a bit, get my tits out, then get off. Well, with lapdancing you had to put in three minutes, but if the guy was a bit minging, you made it last one-and-a-half. If they were hot, you’d do it all night!” She explained she became a stripper because “At that time of your life you need to start trying out new things and see where it takes you.”

Well, okay, the skank’s path to fame and fortune, you might think. But hot on the heels of this skankery comes this:

Sophie studied English Language and Creative Writing at University, later swapping to Marketing Information Systems. She worked as a primary teacher in Southport for four months until she was asked to leave after engaging in sexual intercourse with a grandmother of a pupil.

Maybe this is the academic in Keyser talking, but you’d think one might want to specify what university. Surely, without specification, the noun shouldn’t be capitalized. Or are we to take it that she went to Oxbridge, and it doesn’t matter which one? And the fuck is “Marketing Information Systems” as a major anyway (and surely you can’t major in that at either Oxford or Cambridge)? (And as a linguistic observation, presumably using “swapping” intransitively to mean “switching” is a Britishism, but that’s as may be.)

Anyway, what really brought Keyser up short was the cavalier “she was asked to leave after engaging in sexual intercourse with a grandmother of a pupil.” WTF? In the first place, is it actually verboten to have sex with the grandparents of your pupils? Now Keyser’s willing to grant that for an instructor, nailing the undergrads is a bad idea, but he wasn’t aware of a proscription against banging their grannies. Not that Keyser would have the least inclination to ball someone’s granny, but we’re talking about principles here.

Anyway, ethical considerations aside, everyone repeat after Keyser: ewwww. Could that bland statement really be what the writer meant to say? Yes, it turns out. That’s exactly what they meant to say:

She is a lesbian, [ed.: “No shit?”] having engaged in a threesome with a lesbian couple while holidaying in Ayia Napa. Sophie is currently in a relationship with retired saleswoman, Pat Punis. Today, Punis runs small gay society aimed at senior lesbians in St. Helens, England. Howard prefers to keep details of her private life out of the public eye, at the request of her partner. However, in a recent interview with FHM, Sophie was asked “how her relationship affects her in the outer world”, to which to [sic; presumably Wikipedia is as bad as Keyser at proofing] replied:”I consider my partner like any other I’ve had before. So what if an eighty-two year old overweight lesbian likes to suck my boobs? I don’t care”. Sophie and Pat have never been seen together publicly.

Never seen in public, huh? Why, there’s a mystery.

Now, Keyser’s always found the notion of men’s attraction to lesbian sex interesting. What exactly is the point? It’s sort of like a vegetarian having an interest in cows. …or something like that. Or is it that the viewer is thinking of a threesome, with himself inserted mentally into the scene? Anyway, what red-blooded Brit wound not exercise his right hand (or left as may be) at the thought of “an eighty-two year old overweight lesbian” sucking on a hot babe “noted for her large, natural breasts”?

Old.Bikini

Er, wait a minute. You’ll have to excuse Keyser while he goes to wash his eyes out with peroxide.

Ah, that’s better. Now let this be a lesson to us all. Never ever read Wikipedia unless you know exactly what you’re going to find. You never know. You may find some po-mo wackiness that will scar your imagination for the rest of your life.

The ways of the world are truly wondrous strange!

3 Replies to ““So what if an eighty-two year old overweight lesbian likes to suck my boobs?”: Glamour Model Edition”

  1. Really, Herr Söze, I thought you were more broad minded than to cast aspersions on a poor girl simply because she’s a lesbian gerontophile.

    As for the sex with grandparents question: I must admit I’m as baffled as you are. It Ms. Natural Knockers suggested that the *grandchildren* in her care would only receive good marks if their grandmother performed unspeakable acts with ther teacher (viz, Ms. N.K.) then I could see this as a case of power harassment or something of the kind. But presumably if the grandmother in question was compos mentis (I have no idea what the subgrouping of deviation that takes sexual pleasure from frolicking with demented elderly lesbians would be called– I leave that to you) then she was a free agent engaging in consensual acts that are no business of anyone but those who took part (or those forced to listen through thin walls).
    I should also point out that if Ms. N.K. was a primary school teacher at the time, the grandmother in question could be twenty or more years younger than the grandmothers of those students blessed by non-existent God by being placed in your lecture hall.

  2. While it is true tha Keyser is a keen student of human behavior, it should be observed that he’s not particularly “broad minded” (recall the high marks he got in “judging“).

    I have no idea what the subgrouping of deviation that takes sexual pleasure from frolicking with demented elderly lesbians would be called– I leave that to you

    No, no. Keyser’s not the expert. Ask this guy.

    she was a free agent engaging in consensual acts that are no business of anyone but those who took part (or those forced to listen through thin walls).

    Ever the libertarian, Phibes! Or is that “libertine”?

    could be twenty or more years younger than the grandmothers of those students blessed by non-existent God by being placed in your lecture hall.

    Well, in this day and age, when females from 13 to 63 can give birth, guestimating generations by rule of thumb can be a perilous proposition, as a scientist of your calibre no doubt knows.

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