No, Keyser’s Not Dead

September 4, 2013 by Keyser Söze | Filed under Bad News, Bad Sex, Blame Game, Demonology, Keyser, Keyser's Personal Hell, Mrs. S.


But he ain’t feeling too great, troche either.

As you may know, I had a bad biking accident on August 8. We actually went away to the mountains a few days later. With me in a cast, which somewhat put a damper on the roaming of mountains. The cast was a pleasant bright orange thing, but it made typing difficult, and writing pretty much impossible. For somebody in the daemonology profession, this can be quite a problem. The retard daemon who has control of Keyser’s left hand writes like a half-wit.

Got back and on Aug. 27 went in for another visit. The case came off, more x-rays, then some prodding of the arm.

Doctor: “Does this hurt?”

Keyser: “Well, I don’t know that I’d divulge any state secrets, but it’s not pleasant.”

Back went on a new cast (a more conservative blue this time around). The fingers are a bit freer, but still not much use for writing.

Oh, and did I mention that the right pinky won’t touch the thumb? Doctor thinks that may be from bruising to the ulnar nerve, which could heal itself. Let’s hope!

The doctor was more concerned about something called a scaphoid bone. Seems it’s a crappy little think that floats around in the pocket of the thumb. The cast is meant to help keep it immobilized. I’ve met somebody who said she had this problem, but her hand wasn’t immobilized and it’s never been the same. The doctor said it could go “necrotic” if left untreated. Not sure what exactly that means, but since it comes from the Greek word for “corpse”, it doesn’t sound good.

So, went in for more exams today to a tech place. With added radiation! Got driven there for 8am and was seen right away. Just as jab in the arm with a needle full of some radioactive stuff. The people over at the first clinic had said my piss would be lethal. At any rate, they keep pregnant nurses away from the likes of Keyser. Mrs. S. was curious if conjugal relations would be fatal for her (and no, we’re talking any “golden shower” action, you disgusting perverts!). Turns out this was just wild rumor, and in fact they don’t even warn breast-feeding women to lay off the kids for a day, so we either talking total safety or gross negligence. We’ll go with the former (for Mrs. S.’s sake!). Anyway, the point of the radiation is that with whole bone, the little radiation things stay out, but if there’s a crack, they go in and this shows up as a line on the x-ray. Oh, and there may be a small fracture in the “distal radius” (whatever that may be), so we’ll check on that too.

So, I have to wait around for two hours to let this Fukuyama Fukushima [thanks to inveterate Lair reader Dr. Anton Phibes for pointing out Keyser’s carelessness] spritzer course through Keyser’s veins, a time happily spent perusing a grammaire coptique, while listening to dirges and German pop music on the iPod. After my person is suitably irradiated, I return to the lab. First, a full “nuclear body scan” (I think that’s what they called it). I objected that I was there for hand, but they said they’d do it anyway. I guess if you’ve got this huge fancy machine made by Phillips, you may as well use it.

It was actually pretty enjoyable. You have to lie still for twenty minutes while this gadget moves across your body. The table vaguely undulates under you for some reason, so with you eyes closed, it was sort of like “medical magic fingers”. Until the fire alarm went off. The tech girl said it happens all the time, and until you smell actual smoke or start to singe, it doesn’t mean much. Somewhat ruined the moment, but it shut up soon enough.

So, after this event, the tech girl comes back.

Her: “Does your back hurt?”

Keyser: “Depends on what you mean by ‘hurt’.”

Her: “Well, it should because you’ve broken eight ribs!”

Well, guess that would explain the periodic back spasms that would turn Keyser periodically into Quasimodo while we were on vacation! Seems there isn’t much to be done about it (they can hardly keep you from breathing!), and the sharp pain went away about a week ago. Oddly enough, on vacation we had a long hike up a smallish mountain one day, and the next was a really bad back day. Guess we know why!

After learning of the broken ribs, Keyser was talking about this with the ex-Mrs. S. (who has an interest in necrology), and I commented that it had felt like muscle contractions. She commented that it may well have been, with the muscles attempting to immobilize the broken ribs.

So, to get back to the lab story, they insisted on a 3 1/2 minutes picture of the left knee (must have looked bad to them but it feels fine) plus a good exposure of my paws. After that, they called the doctor, who said he wanted a la-dee-da 3D image of the right hand. This involved lying down, holding the hand extended “above” the head and remaining still for 12 1/2 minutes while the gadget first whirled around swiftly, the slowly rotated. Easier said than done, but Keyser’s a good patient and does what he’s told.

So, apart from the tech girl being surprised to find all those broken ribs, we’ll have to wait for a week to see what the doctor has to say about hand. (Seemingly, the ribs have fixed themselves on their own). “Cause I gotta say, if I have to keep writing Satanic verses with my right hand’s idiot brother, I’m going to start losing my cheerful demeanor. And boy, do I have a spell for that stupid woman who caused the accident!

And it’s hard to post on the Lair too. But maybe I’ll start getting better…

6 Responses to “No, Keyser’s Not Dead”

  1. Fox 2! says:

    Welcome Back! I was about to invoke a +15 Spell of Summoning from the Scroll of Skelos to find you in the nether regions.

  2. Keyser Söze says:

    Why, thanks! KS will try to make the wait worthwhile, but promises nothing…

  3. Robaroo says:

    Jeez, Keyser, you’re a wreck. Time to make an appointment at the mutant clinic to get fitted for an adamantium skeleton like Wolverine (the only fictional character to have benefitted from the Canadian healthcare system). Get well soon!

  4. Keyser Söze says:

    you’re a wreck

    Actually, Keyser is surprisingly resilient. It’ll take a lot more than that to put an end to the Lair!

    And thanks for the kind wishes!

  5. […] of exams and x-rays, the conclusion was that the ribs weren’t bruised or broken [update: wrong!], but the scaphiod bone and maybe the distal radius are fractured, so my right hand and forearm are […]

  6. […] went to the latest check-up after last week’s irradiated scan. Well, the doctor’s says that in addition to the broken ribs, it appears that Keyser broken […]

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    As Keyser's father used to say, "If you have to ask, I'm not going to tell you."

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