Immortal Celebrity: Papal Edition

July 6, 2013 by Keyser Söze | Filed under Bad Habits, Bad Idea of the Day, Catholic Church, Celebrity Bowling, Humor, Immortality, Insanity, Papal Supremacy, People are Nuts, Regrets, Rehabilitation, Self-Improvement, Theater of the Absurd, Theological Disputes.

JPII

Used to be, sovaldi back in the day when people actually believed in stuff like Catholicism and it was just a symbol of ethnic identity like shamrocks and lederhosen, that to become a saint you had to do something really cool. Like when St. Lawrence turned back bacon into Canadian bacon or when St. Rocco turned Cheeries into Fruit Loops. Or that time when St. Shumer turned a Oaxacan peasant into an American. Now that was amazing!

Now… not so much. Becoming a saint is something like advancing in tenure as an academic (a process with which your old buddy Keyser, being a confirmed daemonologist of high standing, is quite familiar). You need a book to get tenure (advancing from assistant to associate professor status), and yet another (plus validation of your status as a High Muckety Muck) to become a full professor (such as yours truly). Pari gradu, as a Church-approved intermediary between you (God’s favored) and God, you need to show that you’ve got God’s ear before being recognized as a saint. (God’s a busy man, after all, and despite both omnipresence and omniscience, He’s got a lot of shit to attend to, so it’s a lot easier if, instead of weighing all the “well, there’s this”s and all the “well there’s that”s that can take up so much time and energy, somebody of tested sanctitude can lean over with a well-timed “psst” and let Him know who’s been naughty, and, more importantly, who’s been nice.)

In the old days, it could take centuries for God to get around to granting a would-be saint a suitable miracle and/or for the Church to get around to recognizing it. Like that time with St. Sambo. Boy, was nobody in a hurry with that one, as you can well imagine! Anyhoo, nowadays, not so much.

The Polish pope, a popular figure who headed the Church for 27 years from 1978, was said to have cured a French nun of Parkinson’s disease.
The Church then began a search for evidence of a second miracle and found it in Costa Rica. Floribeth Mora Díaz, a mother of four in her 50s, was taken to hospital in San Jose, the capital, and told that her persistent headaches were the result of a brain aneurysm. The doctors said it was inoperable. (That’s her below in the picture saying, “Boy, that feels better” (in Spanish of course)).

Oh, well, if that’s not proof positive, Keyser dunno what is. Some woman in Costa Rica is miraculously cured of head aches. Woo hoo, break out the reliquaries!

Headaches

As the story notes, the Popolski People’s Pope was a crowd darling, and so his sanctification was pretty much a done deal since the moment his spiritus was no longer operative (though God knows it remained sanctus!).

As for John XXIII, the case is not so clear. He’d been hung up in saintly purgatory (as it were) for some time (decades in fact). Knowledge pope watchers were concerned that his cure of a really badly sprained ankle (damn, that hurt!) and the time that girl in Uruguay had a “woman’s problem” that threatened to keep her from going to the prom, but her earnest prayers of “John XXIII help us, you’re our only hope” wouldn’t be enough to do the trick, but apparently this was something of a mercy sanctification. But once you’re in, you’re in, and who’s to complain? (Particularly, when you chose to name yourself after the doctor-turned-pope who is best known for being condemned as a heretic and for having some Franciscans burned alive for complaining about the Franciscan Order’s deviation from its founder’s vows of poverty.)

Now the only question is what to do with “Emeritus Pope” (and you thought Keyser was kidding about the academic comparison!). Since pope’s don’t normally give up the job this side of the Pearly Gates, it’s a bit hard to know what the right protocol (of course back in the Middle Ages popes were at times forced out of office, but that hasn’t happened since Pope Guido XLIV was drive out with less than extreme prejudice by Ferdinand Hohenstauffen at the height of the Instinctiture Controversy in 1292). It’s said that he’s already caused a man in the US accuesd of being a member of the Galician Division of the SS to forget the words of the Horst Wessel Song, but many have cast doubts on the suitability of this “marvel” as a “miracle” (and it does make a difference!).

When asked to comment, his ex-papalicity is reported to have said, “I know nozink, nozink!”


10 Responses to “Immortal Celebrity: Papal Edition”

  1. “when St. Lawrence turned back bacon into Canadian bacon or when St. Rocco turned Cheeries into Fruit Loops. Or that time when St. Shumer turned a Oaxacan peasant into an American.”

    And when St. Roxie turned a trick (buh doom boom)

    “The Polish pope, a popular figure who headed the Church for 27 years from 1978, was said to have cured a French nun of Parkinson’s disease.”

    Not that one wishes to make light of diseases, but given that JPII was afflicted with this himself, shouldn’t this be a case of Pope, heal thyself?

    “Floribeth Mora Díaz, a mother of four in her 50s”
    I thought you were going to tell us that she achieved the miracle of giving birth four times in her sixth decade. And of being given the implausible name, Floribeth.

    “Now the only question is what to do with “Emeritus Pope””
    Ah, yes. The patron saint of jack boots. What indeed. Given the Church’s history, surely they must have something like purgatory (or for the more secularly minded, a dentist’s waiting room) for those who are saints-in-waiting. Aren’t the called something like “The Blessed Benedict”?

    his ex-papalicity is reported to have said, “I know nozink, nozink!”

    To which Cardinal Artie Johnson replied, “Vii hef ways off making you tok.”

    And is it just me, or does that picture of Johannes Paulus II make it look as if he’s about to pull an Ozzie Osborne?

  2. Keyser Söze says:

    And is it just me, or does that picture of Johannes Paulus II make it look as if he’s about to pull an Ozzie Osborne?

    Looks more like “pull a Jerry Lewis” to me!

  3. Well, well, well, mein little Keyserlein, und are we heffing fun wis our blog today? Ferry gut.

    Here on ze couch at za “Popes-out-to-pasture” building (aka ze outhouse of ze Castel Gandolfo) I em eagery awaiting ze first pre-death (in vivo?) canonization in ze history of ze church (zis will surely count as a miracle in itself… Dat’s right: I perform a miracle and BOOM instant saint. Dat’s another miracle! I’m just made of ze sings.)

    I’m so happy I could scream

    Yours lightheadedly.

    (Saint) BD

  4. Keyser Söze says:

    Yo, Erstwhile Vicar of Christ and Would-Be Beatific One!

    Welcome, as always, though it must be admitted that the halo of glory that you bestow on the Lair is somewhat dimmed by virtue (as it were) of your Papal Emeritude.

    Anyway, did you just call Keyser a fairy? You do realize that that word is on the list of words that only certain people can use in approved context (which excludes both here and you).

    As for this miracle you’re promising, isn’t a bit late. Hasn’t the Key that gives you the power to loose on earth etc. (and frankly, that sounds like taking a dump, but for theologico-legal purposes we’ll ignore that and stipulate what you presumably mean) been taken away from you? If you were going to beatify yourself, shouldn’t you have taken care of that before “resigning” or “retiring” or “abdicating” or whatever you call it?

    Keyser’s training in canon law is mostly restricted to the so-called “terrorizing” Book Five (the stuff about burning heretics), so maybe his understanding of such things is “defective”, but wouldn’t it be impossible for you to beatify yourself, just as R. Nixon couldn’t pardon himself? Or have you cut a deal with your own G. Ford?

    Anyway, enjoy your “golden years” playing shuffle board with “select” altar boys or whatever activities you plan on “indulging” (and I think I really don’t want to know).

    Hugs and kisses,
    KS

  5. No, no, mein Keyserchen. I had no intention of beatifying myself. Ze analogy is ze one you so aptly cite: Gerald Ford pardoned ze Tricky Dickster, Francis will beatify me as soon as I go to that bathhouse in the sky, which is the promised land of all such as me.

    “Hasn’t the Key that gives you the power to loose on earth etc. (and frankly, that sounds like taking a dump, but for theologico-legal purposes we’ll ignore that and stipulate what you presumably mean) ”

    How perspicacious you are for one of daemonological tendencies. In fact zis is ze source of much hilarity among English-speaking folk in ze Vatican. I won’t bore you wis details, but much is made of “Pope pooping on ze people.” We are all suckers for alliteration.

    Your insider in the highest places

    (Saint) BD

  6. Keyser Söze says:

    We are all suckers for alliteration.

    Well, as long as you add that “for alliteration” bit, okay. As a blanket statement, I’m not sure I’d like to be associated with “suckers” like Your Self-Beatitude.

    Heteronormatively yours,
    K

  7. Ja, mein wurstchen, well vot ever you vont is OK vis me.

    We are such close intimates, I sink it is OK for me to reveal to you one of my closest secrets.

    It is generally assumed zat I chose my papal name as a tribute to

    Nothing could be furzer from za truth. Back when I was running the cabal that everyone is talking about these days, I had a little private singing group made up of me and a few cardinal buddies. It was called this

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_MQuHRCSQzQ

    So my papal name is a little in joke among the cabalists!

    And now you know!

    BD

  8. Keyser Söze says:

    Okay, I admit it, I’m lost. Isn’t a cabalah some sort of Jewish thing?

  9. Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you were au fait with the network of my supporters (aka Benedict’s private army)

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2013/jun/12/reports-pope-gay-prelate-network

    Those who don’t appreciate my work refer to this as a “cabal.”

  10. Keyser Söze says:

    Keyser “au fait” with papal paederasty? Er, not so much…

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