And the Lord God Spake, and Said Unto His People, "Go Forth and Be Socialists."

January 7, 2009 by Keyser Söze | Filed under Bad Idea of the Day, Death of God, Economic Crisis.

Well, search seems that when Bush became the First Socialist President of the US, look he was just listening to a Higher Power:

Citing information he says is from God, Christian broadcaster Pat Robertson said Friday that America is headed for veritable socialism as well as an economic rebound under President-elect Barack Obama in 2009.

“What the Lord was saying, the people are willing to accept socialism to alleviate their pain,” Robertson said on a broadcast of “The 700 Club.” Robertson hosts the program, which is aired from the Christian Broadcasting Network studios in Virginia Beach.

The revelations are the product of his regular end-of-the-year prayer retreat.

“I say with humility, I hope I’ve heard the Lord. I spend time praying and asking him for wisdom and if there’s a mistake, it’s not his fault, it’s mine,” Robertson said.

Robertson said on New Year’s Day that “nothing will stand in the way of a plan by Obama to restructure the economy in the same fashion as the New Deal in the ’30s,” according to videotaped comments aired on Friday’s show.

The New Deal consisted of economic initiatives, such as publicly funded job programs, that Democratic President Franklin D. Roosevelt promoted during the Great Depression.

Robertson said on Friday that with a New Deal-style initiative, “you’re federalizing many of the things you’re doing. And it’ll be the largest transfer of power to Washington since the ’30s, but people are just willing to accept it because the pain has been so bad.”

Well, since the economists clearly don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about, maybe listening to people to whom the Lord of Hosts Himself deigns to talk isn’t such a bad idea. The information here seems generally correct, and apparently Robert’s previous economic prophesies have been pretty good:

Robertson’s predictions last year for the economy were pretty much on target. He forecast oil would hit $150 a barrel; it reached $147 last summer. Gold hit $1,000 an ounce, as he said it would, in March.

His prophecy of a stock market crash for 2009 came true, a tad early, in the fall. And his forecast of a recession proved true.

Uncanny, no? Say, if the Omniscient God gives this guy stock tips, would he (or He) be liable to prosecution for insider trading?

Anyway, seems we’re in for a heaping helping of trouble:

Robertson said Friday that the trillions of government dollars spent on economic stimulus could lead to hyperinflation that ruins the dollar’s value.

“Everybody here will have to pay more, imported goods will cost a lot more, and there can be a lot of pain and suffering,” he said.

According to the Creator, “if I’m hearing him right, gold will go to about $1,900 an ounce, and oil $300 a barrel,” Robertson said.

Oddly, this sounds a lot like what you’ve been hearing here on the Lair without any input from the Creator of Heaven and Earth.

And it’s not just economics that the Holy Man prophesies about. Get this prediction from:

In his 2008 prophecy, Robertson reported “the Lord was saying there’s going to be violence and chaos in the world.” The year saw terror attacks in Mumbai, India, and fighting in Congo, Iraq, Afghanistan, the country of Georgia and Gaza.

Whoa, spooky, huh? If he isn’t hearing from the Godhead and interpreting the low-down correctly, how’d he predict all that stuff with such stunning precision?

The one thing that’s not entirely clear to Keyser in this all is the attitude of the Lord of Sabbaoth in this “you people are so totally going socialist” thing. Is this one of those “I want to people to worship me from dawn to dusk, or else” statements? Or is it more along the lines of “You Gomorrans are going to be getting into all sorts of bad shit, and am I going to be mad at you!” That is, is this prescriptive or descriptive?

Why in the hell can the gods just say what they mean instead of coming out with all this “you’re going to off your dad, boff your mom, and do all sorts of abominations if you don’t watch what you’re doing” crap?


2 Responses to “And the Lord God Spake, and Said Unto His People, "Go Forth and Be Socialists."”

  1. Corpuschristie says:

    Gods are like astrologists when it comes to predicting the future, deliberately vague and slightly conceited about knowing more than everybody else. Of course they don’t actually know anything, but it does impress the masses.
    Have you also noticed how Gods always choose just the one individual to be their receptacle of all knowledge? How do they choose the most suitable person for this supreme position? Do they have interviews? It’s gonna bug me.
    As for the 2008 prophecy of violence and chaos, well isn’t the world always in a state of violence and chaos. This is the human race after all and we are a primitive, bloodthirsty bunch. I mean what would we be doing if we were not killing each other? Ah yes strolling happily into a socialist revolution where money has no meaning and everybody is equal…sounds a bit boring doesn’t it!

  2. Keyser Söze says:

    Many years ago, Keyser saw a photograph on the front page of the Detroit Free Press that purported to show an image of Jesus in the flames of a burning chicken coop in rural New Jersey. Keyser wondered why, if He was putting in a visit after all these years, He would choose rural New Jersey as the venue in which to appear in a burning chicken coop.

    The ways of the Lord are mysterious indeed!

    (And for what it’s worth, Keyser didn’t think it looked much like Him anyway.)

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