Once a Pornographer, Always a Pornographer: Catholic (Re)-Convert Edition

Novelist Anne Rice was raised a Catholic, view stopped being a Catholic, site went back to being a Catholic in 1998, and now is storming off in a huff (as announced on Facebook, of all places) because the Catholic Church isn’t a branch of the Democratic party:

I remain committed to Christ as always but not to being ‘Christian’ or to being part of Christianity. It’s simply impossible for me to ‘belong’ to this quarrelsome, hostile, disputatious, and deservedly infamous group. I refuse to be anti-gay. I refuse to be anti-feminist. I refuse to be anti-artificial birth control. I refuse to be anti-Democrat. I refuse to be anti-secular humanism. I refuse to be anti-science. I refuse to be anti-life. In the name of Christ, I quit Christianity and being Christian. Amen.

Not entirely sure why this is become a problem all of a sudden. Surely, all that stuff was true back in 1998. Anyway, ruminations about this move have been all the rage on the yap-o-sphere the past few days. But Keyser has yet to see any mention of an obvious motive.

She wants to go back to writing porn!

(Actually, Keyser perused these books some years ago under circumstances not worth going into, and truth be told, the “Beauty” bits were pretty good, but the increasingly prominent homoerotic subplot was not exactly Keyser’s cuppa smut.)

Short Attention Spans Take the Drama Out of Smut


In keeping with its claim of providing you with “all the shit that’s fit to print, medicine ” The (aptly named) Nude York Times has a piece about how the retarded attention spans of Generation X-ers (or have we gotten to Y or Z yet?) has reduced smut movies to consisting of just a few minutes of, well, smut, with all pretense to plot left at the door.

The actress known as Savanna Samson once relished preparing for a role. “I couldn’t wait to get my next script,” she said.

There’s no reason to look at them anymore, she said, because her movies now call almost exclusively for action. Specifically, sex.

The pornographic movie industry has long had only a casual interest in plot and dialogue. But moviemakers are focusing even less on narrative arcs these days. Instead, they are filming more short scenes that can be easily uploaded to Web sites and sold in several-minute chunks.

“On the Internet, the average attention span is three to five minutes,” said Steven Hirsch, co-chairman of Vivid Entertainment. “We have to cater to that.”

To tell you the truth, Keyser always wondered about the plot in porn movies. After all, if the point is the sex, why watch some bad acting to delay getting to the “good stuff”? But that was the thinking of a younger (and more testosterone-driven) Keyser. Back in the day, Keyser also read the Aeneid by Virgil. They say that the “good” (read exciting) books are even numbered (like Dido in Four), while the odd ones are dull (the funeral games in Eleven). Keyser wondered back then why you would bother with the odd ones, if only the even ones were “action packed.” Now that the testosterone has calmed down (just a bit!), Keyser realizes that if life (or art) consists of nothing but what Horace termed “purples passages,” then all the “excitement” just gets to be a tiresome barrage of sensory overload. You need a bit of variation in pacing. Which is presumably why Keyser can’t abide it when he happens upon MTV. All that quick-cut editing gives Keyser a headache (even if the music isn’t repellent, as is so often the case.

Oddly enough, the smut providers seem to harbor similar feelings.

In lieu of plot, there are themes. Among the new releases from New Sensations, a studio that makes 24 movies a month, is “Girls ’n Glasses,” made up of scenes of women having sex while wearing glasses.

“It’s almost like we’re back to the late ’70s or early ’80s when the average movie was eight minutes and just a sex scene,” Mr. Hirsch said, sounding wistful.

Some in the industry would prefer their sex with a little more character development.

“I used to have dialogue,” said Ms. Samson, whose given name is Natalie Oliveros, and who is one of the industry’s biggest stars.

“Getting it on in one hardcore scene after another just isn’t as much fun,” she added.

It must be a sad form of work where you don’t feeling like getting out of bed in the morning for one hardcore scene after another…

Oh, and that image up there is Savanna sporting the costume she wore (briefly!) in that cinematic masterpiece Marie Antoinette Does Versailles. Ah, those were the glory days of pornographic Hollywood…

Bootay Beauté: Artistic Grant Edition


You know, capsule some rightist types decry the ability of the government to spend money wisely. Or even keep track of it. Why, just the other day, the Canadian mint actually has come up 17,500 ozs. short, and they can’t even figure out if someone carried off a few bars or someone forgot to carry a few ones in the account books. And this gives the carpers ammunition to complain about worthy projects like this:

A CHEEKY artist has been given a £20,000 National Lottery grant – to look at girls’ bums.

Sue Williams was given the cash to “explore cultural attitudes towards female buttocks”.

She will create plaster cast moulds of women’s behinds to try to understand their place in contemporary culture.

Swansea-based Mrs Williams, 53, will also examine different racial attitudes towards bums in Europe and Africa. She said: “The project is taking on the issues around the bottom.”

Emma Geliot from the Arts Council of Wales, which awarded the grant, said: “This produces a tee-hee response but there is a serious point.”

What sort of philistine would not think it a good idea to pay some 53-year-old women to make plaster casts of other women’s rear ends to “understand contemporary culture better.” And since they’re letting a whole lot of foreigners into Britain these days, it’s certainly a pressing issue to determine how this will affect national attitudes towards asses. Perhaps traditional attitudes regarding scrawny white asses will become a thing of the past. After all, this is a “serious point.”

And Keyser’s pretty sure he knows one other English old lady who’d be happy to help with the investigation (though perhaps her interests lie more in the direction of Northumberland than the Midlands, if you get Keyser’s drift).

Meter Maid Porn

Who knew there was such a thing?


“Hey, troche what was my violation?”

“Not sure. Why don’t we see what you’re capable of?”

Keyser Ain’t the Only One to Get Jerked Around at Blogger


Loyal readers are no doubt aware of the situation, order but drive-bys might not realize that the Lair as it stands was driven off of Blogger for “objectionable content.” At the time, Keyser thought this was the result of harassment as a result of his tiresome feud with the VIxen haters, but it could have been the result of flagging by passing idiots who bumped into the Lair and got their knickers in a twist over the idle nipple. Basically, any idiot who finds breasts offensive can “flag” a site on the grounds that “some idiot without no taste finds the content offensive” and if enough idiots feel so inclined, then Blogger sticks a stupid “Some retards find this page objectionable and if you agree to continue to the blog, you make Pee Wee Herman look like a paragon of moral probity, you sick, sick puppy.” Keyser instantly told Blogger to fuck its lazy, sanctimonious self by switching over to “self-hosting” (hey, it’s only like $80 a year), but some “artsy” types have stuck it out over there. Here’s a sample of what this “flagging” signifies in practice:

It is an honor to say that this blog has become the third laureate of the prestigious “I Understand and I Wish to Continue” Award. This award, created by Mariana Pinheiro of Gatochy-fame, is a way to counter-attack Blogger’s censorship of erotic blogs, by drawing attention to the fact that many of these have quality content. If you read this you have already been through the ridiculous splash screen by google/blogger that states that “Some readers of this blog have contacted Google because they believe this blog’s content is objectionable…”. This stupid content warning has unfortunaly quiete an impact. My readership has been cut down to nearby the half, something that becomes understandable if you are googling for fine nudes. You still find this blog, but the subline doesn´t read anymore a space dedicated to contemporary erotic photography, instead it is the infamous “Some readers of this blog…”. Something that is of course completely misleading and will only tease folks who search for the more kinky stuff (but they will unlikely search for fine nudes) while my actual target group will believe that they better skip this page.
This blog was from the beginning on something like my personal collection of fine nude photography, something like the book I would print if I had the chance to do so, or the pieces I would like to hang on my walls. It is my very own definition of what I believe to be art in this specific genre. This definition of art is not only very personal, it is also something that is beyond language, something that cannot be defined by tags, labels or rules.
Anyone who tries to approach art by using terms like objectionable or NSFW hasn´t understand anything at all.
I understand that the net and it´s major players are still representative for an (US) american culture where a nipple slip can lead to a nation wide frenzy and Thomas Kinkade is the most collected living artist. I understand that this kind of prudery actually oversex everything, turning all art that contains the slightest bit of nudity into something filthy and forbidden. I understand that I am one of many fine blogs, like a flower a day or art nudes, that are put on the same level with any porn page by folks who just suffer art angst.
In fact I do Not Understand but I Will continue.

So it turns out that there’s a blog that gives awards to artsy sites that have been “splashed” with the warning (51 so far). Keyser of course makes no claims about the Lair being a “artistic image” page, though a lot of the images for which the Lair was “flagged” came from such sources.

Turns out they just had a poll on the proposition to “Make Content Warning optional. Remove flagged blogs from Blogger’s Listings (Next Blog, etc), instead of forcing a splash page on ‘objectionable’ blogs (ex: nude art blogs). The warning page causes more problems than it solves and limits expression.” The poll closed a few days ago and the results were 488-76 in favor. That’s nearly 87%, but presumably the sample wasn’t representative, and in any event, Keyser doubts that Blogger will do anything.

So fuck them still.

“Mine Eyes Have Seen the Glory of the Cumming of the Lord”


As one of Keyser’s interests is the religion edification of his readers, prostate Keyser had a post some time ago about PSFNANS (the porn star formerly known as Nadia Sytles)’s finding Christ (bet it was quite the night when the bridegroom was joined to his bride). Turns out that this is a not-unheard-of phenomenon in the “adult entertainment” industry, cialis as Co-Ed magazine has a list of ten porn star conversions (and they don’t even include Nadia).

Now, order Keyser does his best to ascertain the accuracy of what he posts (after all, Co-Ed magazine isn’t exactly Wikipedia), so Keyser tried to check out the list. And it would appear that the story about Sophia Lynn is true (that’s her up at the top, looking a lot more demur than what you would find in most of the images in the google results; if you’re curious about what she does in that outfit, here’s the definitely NSFW answer). Keyser actually found Crystal’s (that’s apparently her real name) MySpace page, with the following testimonial to the saving power of Jesus:

I recently moved to Florida. I am now at home with my child and family. I have had to make a hard decision and I have decided to stay where I am most needed… as a mom. I am looking for work now and am in need of prayers or anyone who has a business in Sarasota. Sometimes you have to put yourself out there to get the answers you need. I pray for anyone who is going through hard times and for those who are lost. You can be found! I am the former Porn Star known as Sophia Lynn. My real name is Crystal. I now reside in South Dakota. I work at a fabulous church called Celebrate Community Church. My dreams and prayers have come true! I recently quit the adult industry and needed a little help to get back to being Crystal! Heather Veitch and Pastor Loy, along with all church attendees prayed for me a year ago after watching my Primetime special which played on ABC. Well, a year or so later here I am! As they are the answer to my prayers and their prayers worked for me! I spent a long time looking for something that was missing in my life. I found it once I got clean and started seeing the person that I am again. The strong and good hearted person I am. I never thought that I would move to such a remote place. But, the people in this place have given me so much faith and hope. Pastor Keith Loy and Heather Veitch saved my life. “Pastor Keith, you are a hero!” It is great to see a true Christian that does not judge others and welcomes those who need help, with open arms and love! “Heather, thank you for never giving up and always being a friend. Even when I was at my lowest” Celebrate has helped me by nmot judging me and by giving me a chance. Most people who call themselves Christian would turn their backs to me if they knew what I did. Not this church!! They love everyone and welcome anyone with open arms. Jesus loves everyone! Hopefully other churches will start acting like this one. Then they may just be able to act like a true praticing Christian! I have never found so much happiness and peace in my life. I know this is home and I am here if anyone needs someone to talk to or someone who cares and will not judge or just needs a friend. It is very hard when you feel as if you have no other choice or you feel as if you are empty for one reason or another. I chose sex and drugs. I lost it all and didn’t realize I had it all at the time. I will never be ashamed of my past. I am who I am today because of it! I have had my fun and had my trials. I do not regret a thing! I will count my blessings everyday though. Personal information about me I’m just a good ole’ southern girl. I love football go tampa bay bucs! I also love hockey too. I like to be outdoors fishing, four wheeling or hiking. Mainly I just like to have fun!

Yes, indeed, Crystal does “just like to have fun!” the only question being, what sort of fun does she like to have? It would seem that she’s decided to stop having one sort of fun on her knees and go to having a different sort of fun on her knees.

Praise the Lord!