For reasons too absurd to go into, it has recently come to Keyser’s attention that some lunatic whose real name is Sean Wesley Henry but who goes by the name Nanya Shaabu El got himself into trouble. He appealed his conviction to the United States Court of Appeals for the Fourth Circuit. The appellate court’s decision is published on the internet in its full absurdity. The decision is laid out with all of stodgy legalese and the relevant formulaic and procedural folderol, which becomes all the more hilarious given the ridiculousness of the situation. Indeed, rather than having Keyser make fun of the situation, he’ll let the judges do so themselves in their staid recapitulation of the circumstances of the case (for the nomenclature, note the text’s footnote: “Nanya Shaabu El refers to himself as Mr. Nanya El in his brief, and we will likewise refer to him as Nanya El throughout the remainder of this opinion.”):

On May 22, 2006, Nanya El and two others falsely represented to authorities that they were diplomats. Nanya El first made this representation at the main office of the United States Department of State in Washington, D.C. Nanya El told the security guard on duty that he was a diplomat, showed the guard what purported to be a United Nations identification card, and informed that guard that he wished to authenticate documents. Later that same day, the car in which Nanya El was riding as a passenger was pulled over on Interstate 85, and officers found a small amount of marijuana and a loaded handgun in the car. Nanya El again represented himself to be a diplomat during conversations with the police officers conducting the traffic stop, and referred to authenticated documents in a folder he was carrying as support for this claim.

Nanya El was not ultimately charged with any state criminal offenses. The driver of the car was charged in state court with simple possession of marijuana. Nanya El was indicted on two charges under 18 U.S.C. § 915 for falsely claiming diplomatic immunity and attempting to obtain something of value by doing so. The jury convicted him on both counts, and Nanya El was sentenced to concurrent terms of six months on both counts, with credit for time already served. On appeal, Nanya El argues that he had no intent to defraud authorities, either because he had a “good faith” belief that his representations were true or that the story given to the police was so far-fetched that the police could not have reasonably believed he was from a nation having diplomatic relations with the United States. Nanya El further argues that since he purported to be from a “nation” which did not have diplomatic relations with the United States, he cannot be guilty under the statute. Nanya El’s final argument is that since he was not charged with any offense in state court, there was no evidence that he sought anything of value by asserting diplomatic immunity.

So note the rather incompatible lines of defense pled by the appellant. Either he was acting in good faith in thinking himself the legal representative of “Atlan” (as is revealed later in the court’s decision) or his story was too ridiculous (to everyone but himself, it would seem!) for the cops to have taken himself seriously.

The whole thing is worth reading. The judges must have had a good laugh writing their judgment. For those who have better things to do, here’s the upshot. The court (after cheekily alluding to the “somewhat contradictory” nature of the appellant’s arguments) rejected the claim that no harm was done on the grounds that the cops had a sort of prima facie reason to check out this ridiculous claim, so he was guilty of trying to pull the wool over their eyes. As for his argument that since he wasn’t charged in court (after all, it was the other idiot who got nailed for the pot), they rejected this too on the grounds that false claiming diplomatic immunity was in fact “something of value.” So they upheld the conviction and sentence.

Who says it’s a grave burden hearing and adjudicating the travails of the criminal class? Days like this must make it all worthwhile!

Oh, and if any of you want to learn more about the falsity of the ruling, you can check out Shaabu El’s notification to the Vatican in his capacity as Plenipotentiary and Universal-Postmaster-General of Atlan (no, really!) that the US, Mexico and Canada no longer exist. Oh, and that all papal bulls have also been revoked. So now who’s laughing, Mr. Appellate Judges who country no longer exists?